Today is the five year anniversary of Pam’s missing. She was officially listed as missing January 23, 2005. Five years later it seems we haven’t gotten very far from where it all began. Perhaps that’s because I don’t know how the police department handles things, perhaps it’s because we’ll probably never really know, or perhaps it’s because, even though it has been five years, it still feels like yesterday.

I suppose it gets easier. As time moves on, a person has to as well. Things change, people change, times change… and you have no choice but to go forward and hope that memories still stay with you. It seems as more time passes I start to remember little things that didn’t stick out when she was with us.

I think I have learned more about Pam since she’s been gone. Of course I knew her, but I didn’t know everything. Being able to learn of her life before Fayetteville, and even her life in Fayetteville, seems to be a blessing and a curse at this point in time. While I can sometimes talk about it and wonder and be calm… other times all I do is get upset. I suppose it’s natural, since it happened when I was “so young” and I was forced to grow up. I was tossed in to an unnatural world of reporters, detectives, random friends of hers, family, teachers, people who “understood”… now I look back and it just seems so surreal. I know it happened, know I was there… but now when I replay it, it seems like a movie, or a special on TV. It feels like it wasn’t happening to me. Maybe because I blocked out things, maybe because I just became this void of nothingness… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t like to talk about it moreso because of how it affected me rather than because of what happened. Is that bad?

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to post from the book today. I’m afraid of posting something has a million grammatical errors that Allison hasn’t gotten to yet, or something that may not be as appropriate as I wish it to for today’s anniversary. I didn’t want to post the end of the book, but I decided to post my last letter to Pam. Along with that, I’m posting the poem I read at her memorial service in Fayetteville. I think this will work, and I think it explains so much about the book. Writing this book has been a project for Pam; it has been a project to share her story, the way I knew it, give insight to her case through interviews and newspaper clippings, and to ultimately continue her life in some kind of way. Publishing this book will make sure that Pam is remembered, not just by me, but by everyone. Everyone who may read this book will know her as I did, miss her like I do, and I hope they will make sure to attempt to prevent anything that they may. Does that make sense? I sincerely hope so.

Dear Pam,

          Today is October 27, 2007. It’s your nineteenth birthday… or at least it should be. It has been too long since I wrote; as always my dedication faltered and reality took me away from you. Reality took you away from me, though… officially. I am not alone in this world as I once thought I was, however.

          Would you believe me if I told you Clark and I are married? I imagine you would. I just always knew… and now I have a lifetime with him to show that those three years of waiting were worth it. We married on September 20, 2007, just eight days after the police found you on Fort Bragg. I told Clark I didn’t want to wait. He had proposed September 4th, and we hadn’t told anyone, planning on informing our families a year later, and marrying after school. I realized, however, that I didn’t want to wait any longer. I already knew he was who I wanted to be with; also, officially finding you… it made me realize how little time we could have. So, we married at eleven in the morning, walking down to the courthouse. Not as romantic as it could have been, but we’ll have a “real” wedding someday.

          We had a memorial service for you September 22, 2007. I read a poem that I wrote for you. Almost everyone was there. Your dad, your grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, teachers and friends. Your grandparents had a funeral in Washington that Clark and I were going to attend, but we were unable to due to finances. 

          Did I tell you I put a sign on my dorm room door once I found out you were…gone? I had some girls ask questions, and some who just completely ignored it. They didn’t want to have to deal with anything at the beginning of college. It’s so strange to me how cold they are; I wish you were here, though I know we would be at different schools if….

          There’s so much I want to tell you Pam, and could tell you, but I think this is my final letter. It is not healthy to cling to the past so much. Especially now….

          I have my life with Clark to look forward to. I have school, I have travels, I have my life, Pam, and I know you wouldn’t want me to stop living again. That first year you went missing, I went missing as well. I think I’ve finally found that piece that was lost. It was truly discovered when you were found, as sick and twisted as that may be.

           I found myself, Pam, and I have you to thank for that. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. So, wherever you are now, I thank you, and send my love, my memories… and in a sense… my life.

~Emily Herring Dunn

The stars are bright and the moon is high

But little angel I don’t see you in the sky

Tonight was the night I was told you were gone

Two years after that bright red dawn

I don’t know how to tell others just how I feel

In unworthy words this seems unreal

After letting it pass and trying to forget

You come into the limelight with that old regret

Little silver angel with your eyes so wide

Have you found that safe place to hide

Please send your spirit so I know you’re all right

Keep me company in this lonely night

All open arms just seem too cold

I just want the memorable faces of old

I want to be comforted, to set my soul free

More than anything I want you here with me

Little silver angel with your eyes so wide

Have you found that safe place to hide

Please send your spirit so I know you’re all right

Keep me company in this lonely night

~And then I saw that butterfly

A silver mist high in the sky

The warmest feeling took hold of my heart

I knew right then it was your brand new start

You were at peace, in heaven, with Him

Away from the pain, the world, from them

Just be patient and I’ll be there soon

I’ll come to you under some distant moon

Little silver angel with your eyes so wide

Have you found that safe place to hide

Please send your spirit so I know you’re all right

Keep me company in this lonely night